I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
