I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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