The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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