Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
