u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
