can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
