I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
