Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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