I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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