I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
