her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
