4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
