wrigley field is MILF paradise
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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