How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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