EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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