I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
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It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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