Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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Did we literally take a cab across the street
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I currently don't understand fingers.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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