I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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