i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
