I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
