On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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