Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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