I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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