So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
