PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
