Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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