You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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