my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
