At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
