The maid of honor just puked.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
