Umm I'm too high to move.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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