What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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