I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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