so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
