I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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