You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
