If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
