Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
