So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
