and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
