he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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