the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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