Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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