I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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