it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
