omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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