I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
