So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
