I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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