I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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