i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
