so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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