i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
