umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
