On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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