sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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