i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
