I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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